I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
