I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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