I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
