it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How does one acquire holy water?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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