420 ftw
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
