can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
