you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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