Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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