Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
