my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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