Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
