I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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