I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
