She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
