i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
