I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
