i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Life is so much better after having sex.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
