Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
