just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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