at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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