so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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