you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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