I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
