If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
