just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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