its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
whose ass print is on the piano?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
