the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
