apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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