She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It was a blind-side dick pic.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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