I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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