Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Acid is not a monday night drug
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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