I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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