I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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