I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
