I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
