I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
