I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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