Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
