i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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