mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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