You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
