I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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