I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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