Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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