why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
