I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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