Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
