Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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