I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
well you can't waste a boner
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
