I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
