she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
