Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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