I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
