swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize