batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
