Apparently you make a good broom.
i just had sex bonerless
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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