My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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