You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
